Thursday, 30 June 2016

The effect of brainfog is easier to see in hindsight

This was written in mid May, but I decided not to put it up whilst the 'ME from another perspective' series was going on, there were a lot of posts going up at that time and it seemed out of place. Since this was written my brainfog has been worse, but not as bad as it has been in the past. I am finding it difficult to adjust to varying levels of cognitive function, sometimes change is harder than things staying the same, because at least then I can adapt! Most of what I have written here still rings true. If I worried too much about always sharing things which completely describe my symptoms at the time of publishing, I would hardly ever be able to share blog posts. Chronic illness is very prone to fluctuation when it comes to both the range of symptoms and severity. It often takes me weeks to finish a blog post, in which time things could easily change a little! 

Recently I have felt the feeling of brainfog lifting from me which is a peculiar feeling. It is like having a heavy fog slowly removed, which I was so accustomed to that I didn't know how much it was limiting me. I have enjoyed feeling more like myself, and being able to think more clearly. Unfortunately it has also given me the ability to realise how ill I am, and for the first time I am frustrated and board with spending so much time in bed. Before I was just floating form day to day, which I think was the key to my contentment.

I am adjusting and know that I will find ways to cope with this. I also know that it is not necessarily a permanent change. The last few months have taught me that my health will improve and decline without any input form me, and I just have to ride the storm.

Good friends are hard to find, thanks to those who have stuck arund despite the fog.

I now realise that brainfog is a blessing in disguise, obviously less of it means that I am healthier, which is a good thing. But if anyone were to experience chronic illness to the point where they are ill in bed all day, I would wish them at least a bit of brainfog, because it makes things so much easier to cope with. My current problem is that my brain is active enough to write and I have so many thoughts, but my arms and hands are often too fatigued to type, a highly frustrating situation.

I also really miss the social contact that I had once before, again my brain is well enough to miss people and need that contact and support form other people. But unfortunately I am not currently well enough to see people, even talking on Skype or the phone is too much for me at the moment apart from on rare occasions! I am thankful for the small handful of friends who have stuck by me during the darker days of this illness, they have endured a year and a half of almost no contact from me and still kept trying. I haven't really felt able to fully articulate how much brainfog has affected my ability to communicate with others until now, I was so consumed by it, it was impossible to explain it and to recognise it myself!

Recently I have been writing much more, I hope to be in more contact with old friends more, and to be able to update this blog more. As I have said I am limited by the ability of my arms and hand to type, but other than that I am much more able to write than I was. Since mid April I have been updating my blog more regularly, I hope that I am able to continue this as I have so much that I would like to explore through words!

For anyone who wants to know what I have done to help my brainfog, it really is one of those things where it is impossible to say. I have been getting a lot of quality sleep and have been resting my brain a lot during the day which I think may have helped. I have also been taking omega oil capsules twice a day which the ME Association say can improve cognitive function. Obviously it is impossible to tell whether any of these things have contributed.

Thank you to those who have suck by me during my long periods of silence, true friends are extremely precious. I cannot explain why anyone would stick by someone who has so little to give back in return, but I am extremely thankful!

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