Saturday, 4 October 2014


This post was written in early September and for one reason or another I didn't get around to posting it at the time.  I feel that it is still relevant though, so here it is!

I have realised recently that I have lost my perspective on my health.  About three years into my illness I was really good at taking the small victories, and being happy about my achievements.

Since being at university I have been surrounded by people who (with a few exceptions) are healthy.  I haven't been spending as much time with the on line M.E. community due to uni work, and it is really taking it's toll.  People at uni haven't known me for very long and (through no fault of their own) don't have a very good gauge of my health or what is "good" for me, nor how far I have come (my fault for not telling them enough about it).

In this environment I have begun to compare my self to others and expect more of myself than is realistic.  I have enjoyed the anonymity of being at university, as it is nice to get the feeling of escaping for a while.  But being healthy or "normal" is not a reality, I will always come crashing back down to earth.  

Having recently received my end of year grades for first year (despite having to take one and a half modules or three exams over the summer) I have done well; grades that any healthy person would be happy with.  But I was not... although I was not disappointed with my results, they were what I expected.  I did not feel any satisfaction in getting them.  They just were.   I always think of what I could have got if I was healthy, not how I did despite being ill.  At every round-up of grades at the end of term, I look for the assessments that I could have done better in "if it wasn't for my M.E", and I discount them form my overall grade creating my new "healthy average".   

In my mind its the only grade I deserve, and I wouldn't be happy unless I couldn't pick out any assessments where I feel my performance was affected by my health.  At the most, my ill grades have been four whole grade boundaries below my "healthy average" which is a non-existent benchmark of course.  So as I'm sure you can imagine these lower grades really do affect my overall grade.

In my mind every low grade is an off day, a blip in my otherwise normal life.  But looking back over the year, there have been quite a few blips, and my life doesn't seem as normal as it is in my head.  You could almost say that these days are enough to constitute a chronic illness... oh wait I do have one of those. 


  1. Well done for the good grades, you did so well to get good grades despite being so poorly, and you should be proud of that. I can understand where you are coming from about now feeling satisfied though. When I put time and energy into something I am passionate about - my blog for an example - I know I'm doing well all things considered but I have such high expectations for myself and know I could do better if only I had the energy. Ahh this M.E. lurk isn't fun is it!

    Enjoy your weekend Jenny :)

    1. Oh but Hayley your blog is amazing!! I suppose we always want more for ourselves, no matter how well we are doing in other peoples eyes. Sending you love <3

  2. <3 <3 stay proud Jenny!!


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